If you’re a co-sleeping/bed-sharing family like we are, chances are you’ve heard one or all of these questions at some point in time. For us, they started as soon as Charlie was born, and two and a half years later, they just keep coming. Actually, they seem to be coming with more fury now than they did two years ago since Charlie stopped nursing a few months ago, and especially with a new baby on the way.
It can be tough to come up with a pleasant response to some of these unwanted questions. I mean, mostly what I want to say is, “I don’t ask you how your family sleeps, don’t worry about mine.” But, of course, this isn’t always the most appropriate response, and generally I like to impart a bit of new wisdom when I get questioned about our crunchy or AP ways in hopes that someone might do some more reading about things on their own time.
So if you’ve encountered a situation with a friend, family member, or stranger, where your family’s sleeping arrangements are called into question, here are some knowledgable and kind ways of responding.
Short answer: “He sleeps with us because he trusts us.”
Long answer: Studies have shown that children who sleep with their parents are actually less dependent upon their parents during waking hours than children who sleep alone. Because they have that ultimate security at night, they are more secure during the day, and rely less on their parents for emotional difficulties they encounter. This sense of security also has shown to result in fewer thumb-suckers, fewer instances of a need for “lovies”, and a better overall sense of self-reliance and self-dependence in young children.
Short answer: “We all sleep better this way.”
Long answer: When children sleep with their parents, they are less likely to wake during the night. And often, when they do, the comfort of having a parent readily available helps them fall immediately back to sleep, often without even fully waking. This as opposed to a child waking in their own room, getting out of bed and going to the parents’ room, and waking up the parent. In this case, everyone wakes up, and it takes longer for everyone to fall asleep. I’ve had so many people ask me the “Does he sleep through the night?” question (which, for the record, I loathe more than any other question on the planet), and my response is always: “I guess he does. I do.” I can count on one hand the number of times in two years that my husband and I can honestly say, “Boy, that was a rough night.”
Short answer: “Don’t worry, I’ll make sure he’s out of my bed before he goes to college.”
Long answer: Ok, maybe that short answer was a little snarky, but seriously….. Children WILL transition to their own space on their own time if given the chance to make this choice on their own. For some children, this could be as soon as the night nursing stage is over. For others, it could be well into elementary years. It all depends on the emotional, mental, and physical needs of the individual child, and we firmly believe that this should be their choice.
Short answer: “The cuddles won’t last forever, so we’re enjoying them while we can.”
Long answer: There really isn’t much to elaborate on here. It’s just the truth. When you think about a child’s life in the scheme of things, you really don’t get much time. There will be a day when they no longer want to snuggle with you; treasure each moment while you can.
Short answer: “My husband and I find plenty of time to be together intimately. Obviously it’s happened at least (fill in number of pregnancies/children here) times.”
Long answer: Oh gee, another kinda snarky response. Well, in my opinion, if anyone has the nerve to ask about my sex life, they’re going to get an earful. Do we still have sex in bed? Yes, after our toddler is asleep, we do sometimes. But you know what? We also have a shower, a couch, a floor…. shall I go on? Oh, you don’t want to know? Then you shouldn’t have asked in the first place….
Most of the time, one of these responses should be enough to satisfy the questioner. Occasionally though, you will need to be prepared to just simply and confidently say “This is what works for our family.” And really, that’s all that matters.